한 바보의 환상적인 세계♥

금요일, 1월 08, 2010

Well, the title is originally supposed to be 'People who Come and Go', but in order to clearly illustrate my mood now, i thought it was probably more appropriate. Lol.

Yeah. Feeling slightly blue at the moment. Or rather, have been nursing that feeling for a couple of days. It's damn annoying when i can feel the disgust building inside me again. And there are only 2 kinds of occasions when that happens. First, (i know it's pretty lame) when i go for interviews. (It's scary 'k) Second, when People leave my life. To clarify, 'leaving' here can include, but does not necessarily refer to departure from this world.

So yup, it's related to my topic anyway.

Let's look at it from a broader perspective.

It isn't that far from exaggeration when i say that people practically walk into your lives and just nonchalantly leave at the next moment. More often that not, these are just mere human beings who do not evoke any emotions from you when they are no longer around. Sometimes, it goes to the extent that you don't even register their absence in your daily lives. In short, they are just GONE.

I will be absolutely frank. Everyone is dispensable to everyone else in this world. Sure, I know the argument. Family and friends are important. I didn't say otherwise. But you won't die (unless out of personal choice) just because someone is gone. Life goes on. Sun sets and sun rises like nobody's business. That's how life is.

But of course, i admit to situations when i hate having certain People disappearing from my world. Honestly speaking, that feeling has never once occurred before and would never have occurred if it wasn't for my obsession with korea. It's the whole business of going to korea, only to subsequently leave it; knowing korean friends, and subsequently having them leave and somehow recently that even kinda extended to include a particular person who doesn't have any connections with korea whatsoever.

Note that i am not romantically involved with all these People. Some of them are underaged! Lol. It's just that i really grew to like them and it feels like something is missing when they suddenly leave. To put it in other words, their presence made a difference and their absence created an emptiness in me.

The first time i felt it was when kiwon오빠 left. I still remember how he tried to break the news gently to me while we were sitting on the floor at bishan library. That was followed by eunjun and the familiarity i had built up with RT before i left for korea. So naturally that included students like sijin, taewon etc. I used to love teaching at PL cos i always looked forward to having eunjun there and erm having him tweak my schedules slightly. Ha. Then i had to say goodbye to all when i made the decision to study in korea. At that time, i already knew that things wouldn't be the same again when i return. Still, for that mere 3.5 months of korea, i chose to give it up.

The next time i felt that was in korea and the one that left the strongest impact on me was obviously the One.

김휘문.

Memories so precious that they are already kept securely away, to be left untainted.

The person who stepped into my life for less than 3 months but left such a huge crater behind when he stepped out.

In fact, it is the exact crater that eventually led to the adoption of certain mindsets. I dun wish to elaborate on them openly cos they come across as extremes to most and i have no intention of entertaining people who wish to intrude on and attempt to change my way of thinking. Thanks, but no thanks.

Unfortunately, I guess i had let my guard down.

I should abide by the rules of the game that i have set for myself.

Probably just let myself wallow in self pity for just one more week before i return to my capsulated world again.

One that does not allow any movement.

If i were in jay's shoes, i might have already gone nuts. God bless his soul.

또 울어버렸다.. @ 10:33 PM